Well, Where are They?

Lifted from Kim duToit. I would have filed off the serial numbers, but... Here they are.

Why aren’t all of the Hollywood celebrities holding telethons and asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping the folks affected by the floods? Where are the Dixie Chicks, and Sean Penn in his rescue boat? Why isn’t the media asking the tough questions about why the federal government hasn’t solved the problem? Where are all the FEMA trucks and trailers? Why isn’t the Federal Government relocating Iowa people to free hotels in Chicago? When will Spike Lee say that the Federal Government blew up the levees that failed in Des Moines? Where are all the 24/7 lurid news tales of cannibalism and unnecessary drownings? Why did Iowans evacuate so prematurely; why are they not holed up in deathtrap sports centers? Where are all the pics of White looters stealing high-end tennis shoes and big screen television sets? When will we hear Governor Chet Culver say that he wants to rebuild a “vanilla” Iowa, because that’s the way God wants it? Where are the people declaring that George Bush hates rural White people? Why are the Iowans not complaining more and demanding to be saved? How come in about 2 weeks, you will never hear about the Iowa flooding ever again?

I think these are all fair questions. Not comfortable questions, no, not at all.

But I think that they are fair questions.

OxyMorons

Just think about "oxymoron". Makes one think of real dummies on oxygen, right?

I received this list from my in-laws, and got a chuckle or two or three out of them. However, I have a few comments on most of them, which I hope will be good for a grin or two.

Subject:Top 35 Oxymorons


35. Government worker.
(I have seen gov't workers actually working. At least twice.)

34. Legally drunk.
(Oh, it's allowed, as long as you don't drive/walk/talk.)

33. Exact estimate.
(Had one of those once. An auto mechanic. He lied.)

32. Act naturally.
(Tried that. Got arrested.)

31. Found missing.
(Tried that. Almost got drafted.)

30. Resident alien.
(Tried that. Scully didn't find me. Darn, she's cute!)

29. Genuine imitation.
(I do a pretty good imitation of normality, most of the time.)

28. Airline food.
(Eaten only by roaches and rats and desperately bored travellers.)

27. Good grief.
(Defined as given to an enemy. I've arranged that, at least once.)

26. Government organization.
(Not an oxymoron. Gov't IS organized to a fare-thee-well.)

25. Sanitary landfill.
(Consisting of Joey from Jersey, Frank from Chi-town...etc)

24. Alone together.
(Only when I forget to take my medicine...)

23. Small crowd.
(See 24 above)

22. Business ethics.
(No argument.)

21. Soft rock.
(Yech. I once heard a Muzak rendition of Magic Carpet Ride.)

20. Butt head.
(Like Artesians. "I seen 'em! They's ugly!")

19. Military intelligence.
(See 20, 32, 33)

18. Sweet sorrow.
(No argument)

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
(Carries candidates for Darwin Awards?)

16. "Now, then..."
(Well, "now and then I gets an idea...")

15. Passive aggression.
(Like the guy in Tianmen Square who stood up to the tank? Brave, but not too bright.)

14. Clearly misunderstood.
(I stood up instead of shutting up.)

13. Peace force.
(See 32, 31)

12. Extinct life.
(See 33, 34, 35 and the Darwin Award Honorees)

11. Plastic glasses.
(I wear 'em. So what?)

10. Terribly pleased.
(Only for Cosmic Calamities and other special occasions.)

9. Computer security.
(It can be done. But it IS unusual.)

8. Political science.
(Right up there with Social Science.)

7. Tight slacks.
(Can be a Good Thing, on the right person, which I'm not.)

6. Definite maybe.
(I use this one all the time! Got it from my Dad.)

5. Pretty ugly.
(No argument, it's an oxymoron)

4. Rap music.
(No argument again. "Rap Crap" comes to mind.)

3. Working vacation.
(If the Prez does it, it must be possible.)

2. Religious tolerance.
(Guaranteed by the Constitution. Of course, these days,
in America, it probably IS an oxymoron.)

1. Microsoft Works.
(Actually, it does, and fairly well. Microsoft's products
are unfairly hammered for lots of alleged failures which are
actually the result of Microsoft being the big guy on the
block, and therefore the biggest target around.)

Not-so-modern Husbandry

Evidently, I'm a superior sort of fellow - by the standards of days gone by.

142 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

I regret to inform you that I'm not always well-turned-out, shaved and in a suit on Sundays, nor am I silent in my sleep. In most other respects I'm quite acceptable, which I put down to my late mother's methods of correction - trust me, gentlemen, a wooden spoon alongside the noggin ensures attention to manners and other matters! Also trust me on this: when Mom decided that Dad had to know about my shortcomings, things were decidedly "bad". This was a rare occurrence, God be praised - Dad let me live.

Mrs. OWW and I have applied the principles above as imparted by our parents. Reports from the parents of our childrens' friends are encouraging - "Delightful", "Very nice", and "No trouble at all" come back to us.

Of course, we are properly shocked, and ask, "What'd you do with our kid?"

Darwin Award Contender

First, read the story HERE.

Then, think just a little bit.

Young Master Wesley, 17 years of age, can't get out of the way of a large, noisy, train that's coming right down the railroad tracks.

After reading the story, my instant reaction is: Why doesn't CSX (the railroad in question) sue the daylights out of Ms. Whiddon for:

1. Failing to teach her son that trespassing is illegal.
2. Failing to teach her son that choo-choo trains on tracks ALWAYS have the right-of-way.
3. Failing to teach her son that trying conclusions with large moving vehicles is a losing proposition.
4. Causing psycological trauma to the people operating the train, due to 1, 2, and 3 above.

Ms. Whiddon is supposed to be an "Educator" - so why didn't she teach her own son?

On the other hand, her son won't be able to spread his defective genes around, will he?

And yes, I'm an insensitive clot, with a bad attitude and a rotten disposition.

So, go ahead. Sue me.

I'll clean your clock.

On this Day...

This is what the Boys (including my Dad) saw.

Thanks, guys.....

Battle of Midway

Today marks the start of the Battle of Midway in 1942.

The Imperial Japanese Navy wanted to secure Midway as a springboard to invade Hawaii.

Alerted by a team who had broken the Japanese codes, the US Navy moved USS Enterprise, USS Hornet, and USS Saratoga and their escort groups to intercept the Japanese task force.

In a battle lasting for three days, the outnumbered US Navy sank four major Japanese carriers, and stopped the Japanese fleet.

One US carrier was sunk.

USS Saratoga (photographed by Robert Ballard's team) now lies at rest, three miles down.

The Way Life Is

Life is what happens when you're making plans for your life.

Plan: Spend some time with your Dad.

Life: Be with him while he gets a stent put in for a heart condition. Then, AFTER the stent, find out that he's not doing well.

Plan: Manage Mrs. OWW's diverticulitis so that surgery is not required.

Life: Riiiiight! Probably surgery is going to happen, RSN (Real Soon Now).

Plan: Hillary and Barak beat each other up so bad that McCain wins in November.

Life: Who knows?

Plan: Not run out of beer tonight.

Life: Got neighbors?